APR 21 11:09PM
I feel like globbing, alec was just dancing. simply just dancing, i feel sloppy like slow and like wobbly when i glob i mean blog. I feel like why do i have to say what i feel all the time. Delicious dinner. I'm coming home soon and I am prepared

MAR 1 1:11PM
Additionally I have been bingeing skins, and I would just like to say Sid giving me the craziest gender envy

MAR 1 10:26AM
Hi all. I have the rona I am in Atlanta and while it is almost ten-thirty in the morning it looks like twilight, inside and out. It is definitely the end times or something. I don't believe I have anything to say that will be of much value. All that I want to say sort of fluffs about like cotton candy and doesn't really go anywhere different than how I said it before. But I heard somewhere that it's good practice to be predictable. Well ok. Anyway I'm floundering. I miss my friends and a lot of other stuff too. I am doing research for a great big costume designer whom I used to aspire to be. I don't think I entirely do anymore but I've pivoted toward the idea of archiving, actually, and I think photo archiving and preservation, maybe being a historian as well in that respect, would be good for me.  I'd like to do it more than costumes for sure I think. Not more than music but I don't really see the value in turning myself into a puppet to create stuff and make money for it. So. Well yes. It's okay if nothing I say really makes the most sense to any of you because I'm the one who thought it so it makes sense to me so there. I'm not feeling well. I think about the psych ward a lot. I think I have a lot to say about it and a lot of it might even be profound if I found a way to get it out that translated. Woo woo woo.

DEC 11 7:35PM
i am blogging this from the psych ward ipad, not kidding team... i hope one of you will check out my blog nd see this, if not, ill be in touch regardless. just excited that i can blog from here. my wonderful friends Alec Josh and Noelle came to visit me tonight. so did my mommy. it made me very happy. I am feeling super regulated emotionally, but hopefully it doesn't mean less sad but epic poetry... i wrote a long ass blog diary about my adventures here as well as a poem but i cant go to my room to write down here what i wrote, so ill have to put that stuff on here soon as i get out :D love u guys i have a goals meeting tomorrow morn so it¡s lookin like i can leave very soon. details to come xoxo 

SEPT 25 3:36AM
Sometimes you feel like a jar of rice being yelled at til it goes bad. Next to its twin competitor which is only that because of its own exemplary outcome. 
Told nice things and kept warm. 
And you feel like a charity case a victim by default and by design. One or two incredibly obvious and incredibly simple factors off. 
One too many times thrust in your face and it becomes a fixation. Details become personal. 
Gets convoluted. 
Embarrassed to talk about myself. About race, about identity my experience my family’s mocking of it. How it colors my relationships; to myself, to sex to love
to survival. How can I compare how can I try. Stating the obvious feels like a crutch. Can’t really be, but feels like it. 
Feels like high-school. Kindergarten, being shoved by a classmate, I remain on the ground and apologize. Intentional vagueness like armor. 
Trying not to think about myself at all becoming so distant from it so detached. Told not to, after all. And so I apologize. I put it here the only place I can. 

SEPT 25 1:25AM
I flew to Arizona today, Sam who I was visiting bailed for the night, not feeling too well, which is now also true for me for reasons I cannot talk about to
anyone even on here. I'm staying with my sister at the ASU dorms which is really frightening me, forcing me to pretend to be asleep or focused on something
important. My sister has a lot of guy friends which has also always been true for me. It's something you have to be constantly aware, cautious of. Sometimes
something changes in the eyes of boys you trust and you'll see it as soon as it happens. Puppydog vulture. You feel obligated to do something about it. Or else
you have to throw it out. I don't know how not to operate in extremes this is something I'm just now learning. I know how but it's too uncomfortable and
paralyzing. Everything is intensely uncomfortable. People observe each other like information cards. Dissappearing ink. Sun-activated color.

SEPT 2 12:45PM
White bellied cockroach
On the floor of the hangar office. 
It’s dead which is concerning because 
People tend to say they can’t die
Unless decapitated I think?
Me and Alec deliberate if it was smashed or died of old age. 
I think maybe a virus from within, exploding out from the body and terminating the roaches life. 
The smell of rubber is intoxicating. 
Every bug in this room dead or alive is making me inconsolably sad. 
A camera is essentially just an Eye with half a brain. 

SEPT 1 11:45AM
I’m on the set of Alpha Bravo Charlie. The tiny airport movie about a girl learning how to fly to honor her dad and the airport despite her fear of planes.
The girl whose photo/story it is based on is also acting in it. In the story I believe her father is dead, but in real life he retired from the business. 
I find this a little cursed. There has been a lot of talk about this movie supporting a great cause to support and “save” the Reid-Hillview Airport, 
a private hobbyist flying school/airport run by what seems to be a good chunk of right-winger white folks who Reeeeeally love the Reid family. 
This one older white lady on set kept trying to talk to me about Mr.Reid and his extended family by name assuming I knew them. It is cool to have a microcosm
of celebrity in your family/network of friends. I suppose that’s how I will sound in 30 years talking about the JCU family business to some 20-something PA
one day. Anyway, The jet fuel fumes are wafting through here pretty bad and maybe I am hyper-sensitive to that stuff but my vision is literally barred, there
are stripes of light everywhere and I can’t really take a deep breath without inhaling more fumes. I have been hitting my vape to feel better breathing. 
I believe they more recently banned fuel with lead in it here because it was poisoning the locals but the people at Reid-Hillview Airport do not seem to take
well to the “politics” of said poisoning. They say it’s a front to knock down the airport and build affordable housing. Which to them is somehow even more
evil than lead poisoning and pollution right next to a wildfire hotspot. As I type right now the words on the page are wobbling around as if in water.
 
AUG 22 12:00PM
(Nick Farro Birthday!)

I broke up. Everything else is seeping back in inevitably. I need to believe I'm not a puppet, I can't distract myself enough today
my vape died as I uploaded this.

AUG 11. 12:47AM
a terrible need to be damaged in some way or another. Also to see things and have them be enlightening somehow, everything is examinable and so
everything has to be profound, is what I am starting to believe the more I take pictures of washed out advertisements. psychosis, maybe. 

an empty theater. almost hitting pigeons twice with 
a car. empty whitened spider on the handle to my gate. never checking again if it was alive or dead or if it is even still there. wondering if it was the same
spider I had seen on my wall or oliver’s wall I don’t remember which. 15 mosquito bites, adding one because I haven’t found it yet. 

I didn’t notice that my copy of Ulysses starts its chapters with a very large letter and the impossibly tiny next word in the bottom right corner of the page.
I have been reading this book missing out on these introductions of introductions which is making me think about how I start my sentences. I am thinking about
God suddenly a lot more and trying to pin point when it started up again. 

JULY 22 12:30PM: 
Absolutely so disorienting. Looking up at crossed telephone lines boxing me into an impossible grid of peering white eyes, tinted windows, the smell of rubber,
mourning doves, grass. Perfect, bleeding grass. Save for a few piss patches.
My street sign behind a massive tropical leaf of some kind. Ran over newspapers. Rubber bands snapped out of spring. 
I think about crossing the road and getting hit by a Porsche, or maybe a monster truck with a blue lives flag. 
I’m stealing this damn lemon I don’t care who stops me. I hope they call the police. That could be a decent career for me. Make everyone proud. 
Unabashed lemon-stealer. 
There’s a sweat stain the size of a football on my lower back. 
I got home and attempted to take my own life in my parents bathroom. A spider watched, sat still while I pried the cap. 
My dad unlocked the door with some pointed metal tool.

JULY 1st 3:43PM:
A balmy day out. 75°. Heading home towards the pacific side of town. Scents of maple, freshly cut grass, flatulence, and guitar, fill the air. 
It is a surprisingly pleasant combination. People don’t like potty humor. This is fine with me. I’ve never written a sonnet. Maybe on accident a few times. 
I haven’t double-checked. I’m scared to try most things. I start a lot of sentences with “I”, which is something that I believe should change. 
Have you noticed the fading of most things around us over time? In one way or the other. Have you noticed the ease there is in going out and seeing a movie, 
any movie, so long as you’re with friends. Have you noticed the cheapening of media seeming to hold a unique sort of meaning, value, lately? 
What are people so afraid of all the time. What is so scary all of the time.

JULY 1st 3:30PM: 
I added back my socials and then twitter died which is something magical to me.
People keep mentioning moths and butterflies lately, people who aren’t affiliated with each other. 
I don’t feel that my home is my home anymore. 
Always getting somewhere.

JUN 27nd 12:10AM: 
All of my social medias are gone including facebook messenger. I do feel bad for leaving so abrubtly. I hope nobody takes it personal though I highly doubt
that anyone would. I was and am still feeling paralyzed by all of the rapid information popping up in notifications and feeds and chat boxes on my phone. Ive
been catching myself getting jealous and angry that I can’t be as naturally productive as my friends and others. I catch myself feeling like I have to compare
to people, not really in the obvious clichê of looking cool on social media, but just the idea that some people are better at being smart and talking than I am
and that I’m upset about it. I think it’s ridiculous and annoying that I think this way. That instead of doing anything about it I forget that I am a body and
I shrink and freeze up. Noelle tweeted something today which was something about using less words. I don’t have the tweet to pull up. But it got me thinking
again, as I usually always am, about my use of words and how in my head I’ve got the vocabulary to express what I think and I grasp about things, to
communicate properly and exchange thoughts cohesively. but when I speak out loud I feel like I somehow always miss. Like I’m just not saying what I meant to
say or what I thought I was going to say or what I thought I had the correct vocabulary to say. And because of whatever this phenomenon is I think I have
become increasingly bitter and sensitive about others reactions towards me or around me. I feel embarrassed to be alive most of the time also. I don’t think
this whole words thing is the only reason why but over the past few months it’s really exacerbated my mental illness. I think that in the same way that Ryan
needs to be “re-socialized” because of his covid I need to disappear for a while until I feel ready to re-enter spaces where I communicate. Maybe this was just
a really long way to say I’m going nonverbal because I am autistic. Who knows! In the time that I'm gone I hope to write a lot more music and work on my movie.
I also hope to still see my friends.

JUN 22nd 10:28PM: yes yes,,, Asteroid City... It was certainly better than his more recent films. I think I had a bit of a hard time connecting but maybe I was going into it too critically, thinking about how the dialogue could have been "better" instead of letting it work itself out for me which it ended up doing. This movie was interesting to me for the same reasons I like this one book Acid West by Joshua Wheeler. Thoughts about whatever it is that ends it all for us. Maybe the asteroid. Or maybe the alien attack. Maybe the A-bomb. This collective anxiety. I thought about the bravado of the American military. The war on information which is something I just made up in my head but probably exists. I really enjoyed Anderson formatting this as a play, watching actors talk about acting while acting. I really liked Scar Jo's character, unfortunately. I'm a little embarrassed that I related to her. Anyway this was fun to go see with my friends. I wish I had talked more and been less awkward today. I need a refill on my prozac...

JUN 21st 3:28AM: it is past 3AM and I’m looking at my favorite sunbleached advertisements. Oliver is asleep next to me listening to night drive noises? Car noise. I keep thinking it’s from real life/outside my window. It’s not working for me but he looks peaceful. I’m thinking about this instagram page I made. About why I’m so interested in these signs. I’ve tried to assign esoteric meaning to them. I’ve come up with nothing good. But I think maybe observing them in this way and then documenting them means something somewhere. Not sure how yet. What is the value in documenting, preserving a near-obsolete advertisement. The preservation of an individual and/or a machine’s labor, disguised as art. Or just art. I guess you could pretty much aggrandize anything on social media. Though, my instagram is barely a hill on anyone’s radar. Which makes it cooler duh. Guys I don’t think I’m good at writing. . .Ok its bed time

JUN 12th 5:44PM: I finally saw the sun today at 4:45pm. After watching Lily Chou-Chou for the second time. I had eggs with salted arugula and bread for my meal. I think I’ll spend the rest of the day listening to the beach boys and doing my laundry. I hate laundry. I hate not having an excuse. I hate that laundry and taxes quote from that one movie everyone loves. I love printed advertisements. I love this one song that sounds like a snake hissing.

JUN 10th 10:03PM: i have been having basketball dreams. my eyes close - basketball. i see a tiny little court in the bottom right corner of my cornea, and on a loop there's a man shooting the same bucket. sometimes it bounces slowly around the eye like a desktop screensaver.

JUN 9th 9:35PM: Tonight my good friends Ryan and Lana are coming over to play song pop party!!!!

JUN 7th 10:43AM: Last night I caught myself in someone else's mirror. What I made out was still my flesh, various lumps and bruises, then it jumped at me. Which goes where. I felt like a sort of polly pocket. Removable parts that look chewable. I wanted surgery. I wanted you to hold me. I wanted to call my mom and tell her everything. But I see her today in a couple of hours and she’s going to be happy. I don’t want to ruin it. I went to bed and dreamt about being cheated on, Alcatraz, and ghosts.

JUN 4th 12:31PM: That moment when you're taking your morning birth control and you use diet coke instead of water to wash it down. So the pill is in your mouth between your front teeth and as you take your first delicious sip it slips into the can and is instantly disintegrated. ha ha ha! You would think drinking the coke as is would have the same effect as taking the pill, but in a panic you decide to pour the coke down the sink hoping to find any remnants. Of course, there are none